cuzurmagrl Jenn-ay
The wildest things can happen when you allow yourself to slow down, hear and truly listen to that small voice inside. That's actually how cuzurmagrl was born.
A few years ago I was sitting at my sister's dining room table when the idea for cuzurmagrl came to me. I changed my Instagram account the same day.
I'm not sure what I love more, the fact that it aligns so perfectly with my journey to loving myself, or how funny I think I am. You see, if you were born in the 60's or 70's and your name is Jenny, you don't have to think very long about where cuzurmagrl comes from.
"Forest Gump" was released in 1994. I was 20 years old and had just wrapped up my freshman year of college. I have always been a big movie fan (fun fact, my team at work voted me most likely to quote a movie or tv show in a conversation) and "Forest Gump" was an instant favorite.
There are so many amazing quotes, ask anyone and they can give you at least one, but there is no line in the movie I heard more frequently than "Cuz you're my girl Jenn-ay". Friends said it to me on a daily basis, some friends greeted me with that phrase alone, some still call me Jenn-ay.
I loved it. It made me feel good and special and like the only Jenny in the world. And I needed that back then. College was rough and my freshman year felt like a big slap in the face. I felt so alone and different from all of my friends. I saw them meeting guys and making new friends so easily and it just never felt easy to me. I got quiet and shy around people I didn't know and had a hard time making small talk.
But I wanted to find my Forest. I wanted a guy to say "cuzurmagrl" to me and really mean it. I had all kinds of dreams of finding a man, getting married and having kids, then settling down for my happily ever after. Maybe it was because of all the romantic comedies I watched. Or more likely, it's because I'm a hopeless romantic and daydreamer who not only believes in sweep-you-off-your-feet-love, but knew in my bones that that is what life had in store for me.
I know now that I never could have gotten to this place without all of the experiences that came before it. I know now that you really can't find true love until you truly love yourself.
Barf. Anyone who said that shit to me back in my 20's or 30's got a huge eye roll. But it's true. I can look back on my life, every version of myself, and see how the partner I attracted at that time, perfectly aligned with who I believed I was and treated me exactly the way I treated myself. Which was pretty shit.
Over the decades my relationships definitely improved, although it took some time. I was able to fully heal from my traumatic teen relationships in my early 30's. The experience was profound and I could feel the shift inside me. Some belief I held, or wound I carried over my 34 years was released. And it wasn't long after that that I met my partner of 12 years.
As you know, if you've been following along so far, that relationship ended almost two years ago. It turned out there was more healing to do. There usually is. An amazing thing happened though, when I finally started to listen and respect the feelings and thoughts and sensations I felt in my body, I also was able to stand up for myself, set boundaries and ask for what I needed. Once those boundaries were crossed and the respect I knew I deserved never came, I was able to let go.
I needed to say "cuzurmagrl" first to myself, before I could expect anyone else to say it to me.
