Back to Basics

One of the first things I did when I started my leave of absence was cut out all the extra noise and to-dos. 

For me that meant, no news, no violent or dramatic tv and movies, even loud music felt like too much.  It also meant saying no to things that I would have typically said yes to.  The tension, depression, and anxiety I felt in my body was more than enough without the extra stimulation. 

I had started bullet journaling a year or so before which turned out to be incredibly helpful.  Bullet journaling is an organizational method developed by Ryder Carroll.  I consistently had thoughts and ideas swirling in my head and my bullet journal gave me a place to put those thoughts away for safe keeping, meaning I didn't have to continue swirling.  With the increased anxiety and buzziness I was feeling, I had enough.  All of that energy had to go somewhere, so placing them in a journal seemed like a logical step.  It kept me as organized as I needed to be at the time and still gave me a sense of accomplishment and structure.

I also read "Essentialism The Disciplined Pursuit of Less", by Greg McKeown, who says "to live as an Essentialist in our too-many-things-all-the-time society is an act of quiet revolution". 

This really resonated with me, I had always felt like us humans were trying to do too much and consume too much, to the point that it was taking a toll on our bodies and mental health. 

But how do you cut down on things that at least on the surface seem like "must dos"?  When even the question of "What do you want to watch?" becomes overwhelming because you have a billion streaming services at your fingertips all offering new and interesting things.  We have more choices now than ever, which seems great, but if your nervous system is working on over drive, and you're already experiencing decision fatigue, then all of those choices quickly become too much to handle.

Choice however, is at the very foundation of Essentialism, as it shifts our perspective from "this is something I have to do", to "this is something I choose to do".  It's really empowering.  I realized I had been operating from the belief that I had to do all of the things for other people, work, or my partner, but the fact of the matter was, nothing really was that "essential".  There really wasn't much I had to do on any given day. 

Probably the biggest challenge I found was how to manage all of the secondary emotions that arose when I said no or when I set a boundary.  I can only speak from a woman's perspective, but I was definitely conditioned to put other's needs before mine.  I was raised with the belief that as a woman and caregiver, I didn't really have a right to say no to someone when they asked for help, instead I needed to give of myself at all costs.  Those beliefs led to feelings of guilt and the fear of disappointing someone, which meant I would most definitely be rejected by them in the future.

You can imagine then how the swirl continues.  Even the thought of people rejecting me made me more anxious, but my health was on the line.  I couldn't continue to expend more energy than I had available to me, I needed to get real honest about what was truly essential and what wasn't. 

So much of this process for me, came down to presence and being rooted in the current moment.  If my mind was busy thinking or searching for the next shiny object, or all the ways I failed in the past, I couldn't make decisions that felt heart-centered.  Which meant I was making decisions from a place of fear instead.  Making decisions from fear will only lead to frustration and resentment and that was exactly where I found myself.  I was full of resentment, unresolved anger that had turned into something much more toxic. 

I should point out, I don't have kids. I had the opportunity to focus 100% on me and my needs.  This would not have been as straightforward had I had little ones to care for.  It turns out one of the most difficult decisions I ever made, one that I spent a lot of time grieving, may have also been the most heart-centered decision I ever made.  And it just might have saved my life.