My Journey from Burnout to Wholeness
In January of 2023 my manager suggested I take a leave of absence.
My initial reaction was "I don't need to!" but I said I would think about it. I went home that day and broke down. I knew I needed a break. I was not ok. I was living like a zombie. I would wake up in the morning, rush to get out the door and to work. Spend my day attending to the needs of my team, my colleagues, patients and their families, and then I would go home exhausted and completely depleted. Evenings were spent lying around watching tv. We would most likely order food (thanks alot covid), eat while zoned out on the couch and then go to bed. Only to start the cycle again the next day.
I couldn't even find the energy to do anything fun on the weekends, those days were spent recovering from the week and getting ready to start the next. I'm not sure I even waited to get to work the next day, I knew pretty quickly what I needed to do and let my manager know I was ready to take a leave.
I was really struggling. The anxiety and depression were crushing. I was severely burned out and exhausted. What unfolds after saying yes to myself vs putting everyone else before me is unbelievable, awesome, brutal and totally unexpected. My manager couldn't have known, but she gave me the greatest gift I could have ever received. I finally had the space to examine my life and how I felt living it, and I didn't like it.
The laughter that used to be my signature was gone, I had stopped exclaiming "This is my new favorite thing!" Meanwhile my relationship was starting to come apart. My boyfriend and I had been together for 12 years. We owned a home (my dream home I believed) and more importantly we had two dogs, my little loves. We had gone through couples therapy a couple of years before and it was becoming obvious it didn't stick.
I needed to rest, comfort myself and I searched for the support of my boyfriend, but he didn't have the capacity to provide it.
Looking back, I don't blame him for how things unfolded, he was doing the best he could as he was struggling with his own demons, but I was ready to do the work and get myself out of this horrible funk and he wasn't.
A couple of things that transpired in the years before my leave of absence...I quit drinking alcohol in June of 2021. It had become way too routine during covid to drink a bottle of wine at the end of a long day. I knew it was hurting me, particularly my sleep and anxiety. It was such a blessing for me and my mental health and I was grateful I had made that decision. I have now been alcohol-free for 3.5 years.
I was also diagnosed with ADHD in 2022 (age 47) and started taking medication. Holy shit that was a big revelation (more later), but I do believe the medication contributed to my burnout by robbing me of the little breaks I took throughout my day. With meds, there was no more daydreaming or losing myself in a train of thought, and what I've come to realize is those little moments were necessary for me and supportive, especially in a time of such stress.
I am starting over at 50, just celebrated that milestone in December. I will be sharing how I got here and the practices and spirituality I have started to lean on in order to co-create this big beautiful life of mine.
I hope you find something here that helps you heal.
Whatever it may be. I truly believe that we can help others heal by sharing our own stories, as it opens the door for others. Thanks for being here.
